Hormones?

>> The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
>> man has to do is open his mouth, and he takes his very life into his
>> own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a
>> driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or
>> significant other.
>>
>> DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
>> SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
>> SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
>> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>>
>> DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
>> SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
>> SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
>> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>>
>> DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
>> SAFER: What did I do wrong?
>> SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
>> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>>
>> DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
>> SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
>> SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
>> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
>>
>> DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
>> SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
>> SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
>> ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
>>
>> 13 Things PMS Stands For:
>> 1. Pass My Shotgun
>> 2. Psychotic Mood Shift
>> 3. Perpetual Munching Spree
>> 4. Puffy Mid-Section
>> 5. People Make me Sick
>> 6. Provide Me with Sweets
>> 7. Pardon My Sobbing
>> 8. Pimples May Surface
>> 9. Pass My Sweatpants
>> 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
>> 11. Plainly; Men Suck
>> 12. Pack My Stuff
>> And my favorite one...
>> 13. Potential Murder Suspect
>>
>> Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.
>>
>> Another thing to giggle about...My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me diamonds.
>>

I've won a motor home!

>A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win"
>sticker on her coffee cup.
>
>So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome!
>
>I've won a motor home!"
>
>The waitress says, "That's impossible. ?The biggest prize is a free
>Lunch.?"
>
>But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! ?I've won a
>motor home!"
>
>Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
>mistaken. ? You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we
>didn't have that as a prize.
>
>The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. ?I've won a motor home!"
>
>And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
>
>
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>(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS! I PROMISE!)
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>"W I N A B A G E L"

New Company Policy!

Subject: New Company Policy
Effective Immediately

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.Personal DaysEach employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through yourlunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time they need to drink a Slim-Fast.

In closing
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.