FW: One Wish

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of t he Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

>The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

FW: Southern Grandma

>> > Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a
>> > question if they aren't
>> > prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern
>> > small-town prosecuting
>> > attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
>> > elderly woman to the
>> > stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do
>> > you know me?"
>> >
>> > She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.
>> > Williams. I've known
>> > you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
>> > been a big
>> > disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
>> > wife, and you
>> > manipulate people and talk about them behind their
>> > backs. You think
>> > you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
>> > realize you never will
>> > amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher!
>> > Yes, I know you."
>> >
>> > The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
>> > he pointed
>> > across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know
>> > the defense attorney?"
>> > She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
>> > Bradley since he was a
>> > youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
>> > drinking problem.
>> > He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and
>> > his law practice is
>> > one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
>> > he cheated on his
>> > wife with three different women. One of them was
>> > your wife. Yes, I know him."
>> > The defense attorney almost died.
>> >
>> > The judge asked both counselors to approach the
>> > bench and, in a very quiet
>> > voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if
>> > she knows me, I'll send
>> > you to the electric chair."

FW: THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD!

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD!

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your
shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the
shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't
give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give
a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you
happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!