SOME PROFOUND QUESTIONS

• Can you cry under water?
• How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
• Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
• Where's that extra penny going?
• Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
• Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
• What disease did cured ham actually have?
• How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
• Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
• Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
• Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
• Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
  

Just things I think about

• Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
• Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
• Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
• If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
• Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
• If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
• If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
• Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
• Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
• Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
• Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

No Speakah Da English

No Speakah Da English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first,
Den I come,
Den two asses come together,.
I come once-a-more,
Two asses, they come together again,
I come again and pee twice,
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country . ., we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell "Mississippi'."


I'VE GOT $5.00 THAT SAYS YOU'RE GONNA READ THIS AGAIN.

For my Puerto Rican friends

ARE YOU A LATINO? HOW CAN YOU TELL FOR SURE?

1) If you have ever been hit by a "Chancla"
2) If others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.
3) If you light a candle to Virgin Mary on the night before your big test.
4) If you use your chin or your lips to point something out.
5) If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys".
6) If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner, even if it's a one bedroom apartment.
7) If you can dance merengue, cumbia, or salsa without music.
8) If y ou use "manteca" instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your nalgas are getting bigger.
9) If you are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a person is shouting "subanse, ! todavia caben mas!"
10) If whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some "Vick's vapor rub" all over your pecho and inside your nostrils
11) Your mom packs your "lonche" every day even though you've just turned thirty-two.
12) If you call the North Americans "gringos", including Canadians, and call all Asian people "chinos" or "chinitos"and you call the corner store "the chinito's store".

Send this to all your Latino friends!!!! ! You can also send this to your non-Latino friends, but if you have to explain more than three items, what's the point???

Excuse me while I go eat some chicharrones........

The Man And The Ostrich

> A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
>
> The waitress asks them for their orders.
>
> The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
> ostrich, "What's yours?"
>
> "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
>
> A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
> be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
> the exact change for payment.
>
> The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
> "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
>
> The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into
> his pocket and pays with exact change.
>
> This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
> the waitress.
>
> "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
> salad," says the man.
>
> "Same," says the ostrich.
>
> Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
> $32.62."
>
> Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
> it on the table.
>
> The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
> "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
> change in your pocket every time?"
>
> "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the
> attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie
> appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever
> had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the
> right amout of money would always be there."
>
> "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
> million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
> want for as long as you live!"
>
> "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
> exact money is always there," says the man.
>
> The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
>
> The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
> chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
> say."

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question..
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning ofone.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you knowthey'll enjoy it & do the same